Saturday, July 07, 2012

Fear and Grief

I know, I've been a bit MIA from my blog lately. I've been traveling quite a bit and playing the catch up game with some weddings, family and portrait shoots. My inbox is 500 emails full and my laundry JUST got put away today.

But truly, none of that matters to me much right now. My lovely friend Stacey posted a blog today about a local photographer (who is AH-MAZINGly talented) who has been through some recent tragic events, and her blog just broke my heart into a million pieces.

I heard about the sweet little boy who died last week while I was at Zephyr. I was in mid-conversation with a friend of mine outside the office at camp when my phone buzzed (I get news alerts directly to my iphone). I glanced down at the headline and my heart stopped. "Boy Killed While Reaching for Object on Mantle" I instantly opened the article (very rudely, as my friend was still talking) and read the words and trembled. Being at camp for the week shooting pictures, I was missing my babies tremendously. Then reading about a horrific accident happening to a little child while I'm away from my babies......well, it was just too much. I went to my room and cried. I wanted to desperately hold the boys. I wanted to fix every problem in the world. I wanted to rid the earth of all tears and pain and sorrow. I wanted to fix everything. EVERYTHING. And I wanted to scream.

Then, after I was reunited with my boys, I read more on what happened to the little boy, Avery. I was devastated. And it has been weighing heavy on my heart still. I've been a wreck ever since I read that headline. Cuddling my children closer, crying everyday. Living in fear that the same kind of accident could happen to my beautiful, little wild things.

Grief. And fear. They have been strangling my sensitive heart.

Avery's story isn't the only one of pain and loss that I've heard this week. Another mom lost her 15 year old son to pancreatic cancer. And yet another mom is battling with her daughter (who is Wesley's age) in a fight against a brain tumor.

Not a single one of these stories is insignificant. And they certainly aren't stories. They are lives forever changed.

And so, here I sit, trembling and near tears, grieving so much and battling the enemy's arrows that would pierce my heart.

I'm reminded that though we grow weary and faint, we who hope in the Lord will not stumble and fall. We will fly high on His mercies. And though our flesh may fail, God is the strength of our heart.

I'm not at a place where I can sit here and say fear has left my heart and my home, but I sit here confident in the Maker's hand over us, guiding us to that place of peace and trust. My tears and my grief are not lost on my Lord. He steadies me and provides for us.

Yes, I pray ever more earnestly for my little wild things. I pray for protection. I pray for their health. I pray so ardently for their hearts.
But I will NOT allow my fears to leak into them. I will pray for courage. For determination. For fearlessness. And most of all, for conviction.

Pray with me as I battle the toxic lies of the enemy. And pray for these families whose lives have been altered so painfully. And please, move in action to bless someone this week. Take the time to be loving and courteous and passionate and courageous.

<3 jade..

PS you can read Avery's obituary here (written by his amazing mother)

1 comment:

  1. I struggle with these fears too. First with Jonathan always being in daily dangerous situations, and now for my little boy. I pray nearly everyday, some days more than once. It is scary, and heartbreaking. I won't read that article or obituary because I know those types of things will not bring me to a good place. Instead I focus on what the Lord tells us to think of: things that are true, pure, lovely, excellent... I remember that Proverbs 3:25 talks about having no fear of sudden disaster. I do not know why the Lord allows these things to happen, and I do not know how I would be with Him if He ever let it happen to me. That may be my biggest fear. So I pray, and I try to trust that the Lord is good, and hope that He will be merciful to me and my family... and then I must think on other things. I pray for those families. I pray that the God of all compassion and love would overwhelm them with His goodness, to somehow, some way make it alright.