Honestly, this has been a difficult post for me to share. With all that has been happening in the world and in our own little community, I've suffered from some guilt at how happy I am to be pregnant. I've felt selfish to be celebrating when so many are grieving so much. I've also been treading carefully because fear has been attacking me relentlessly. It's like there is no end to the horror that the mind can conceive and we all know how far my imagination can race.
So, I have battled all these things (and more) and walk in peace, knowing that the Maker's hand is upon me and this pregnancy. Fear has no place in my heart, so I combat it not on my own strength.
It's been no secret that I've had baby fever since my darling Spencer was born. When I was holding him in our hospital room, gazing at his beautiful face, deep inside I felt a wanting for something of which I was unsure of. He and his big brother are such miracles to me, so my want for another child was nothing to do with dissatisfaction or ungratefulness. They are such bright lights in our dark world and I just knew they needed another sibling.
And no, we weren't trying for a girl. I'll say this once. God knows what our family needs. Simple as that. Yes, the odds of us having a daughter are against us, so it's a good thing our family is excited about a baby! Wesley is adamant that we need a girl and that God should pay attention to his request (I promise I have not been feeding him any sort of girl talk) but he tells everyone who asks him "God knows what our family needs!" And just yesterday he prayed for the baby and said "God, you know what our family needs!" We've explained to Wesley that we aren't going to know what the baby is until he/she gets here in the spring. Wildflower season. :)
So the story:
Back at the end of June I was spending a week at Zephyr (the camp that I love) shooting some pictures and hanging out with my home girl Abby (she's pretty much the coolest of the cool). That week was fun (and yes, exhausting. I've become out of shape to the camp life of 17 hour days) and busy, I was feeling a little "off". I wasn't feeling queasy, but I was feeling some discomfort in my lower abdomen, a stretching feeling. Once or twice, I stopped to sit down because it felt really weird. I thought about calling my doctor and seeing if I could come in early (as I was due for my annual check up in a few weeks). My last night at camp, I bought the boys a few trinkets from the camp store and the husband a t-shirt. (You can never have enough Z shirts in our house). But as I was checking out, I felt compelled to buy a stuffed animal for the baby. It was a weird thought, and I told myself "what baby?? you don't know ANYTHING yet." So I followed my instinct and bought a darling little raccoon with a Camp Zephyr shirt...for the baby. The baby that I wasn't even sure was there.
From Zephyr, I caught up with my family at my in-laws house and headed to Houston to see my parents and my brother and Jamie for the weekend. We had a fun family weekend planned and I was excited to spend some time with everyone. That whole weekend, I knew something was up. I was still feeling sick and thought maybe I was just off. In my heart, I felt like I was pregnant, but I didn't want to get excited or take a test just yet. I knew it was REALLY early still. I pushed it out of my mind and decided not to do anything about it yet.
Monday morning, I woke up feeling sick. I felt like I NEEDED to take a test. A few months back I had bought a 2 pack of pregnancy tests and had a negative. I tossed the second test into the drawer in my bathroom and forgot about it. Until that Monday morning, the 2nd of July, when I dug around for it and finally saw two pink lines. One was so faint. So barely visible. I freaked. I wandered around the house. I decided I needed to take another test. Haha. So to the store I went, with both boys in hand. I picked out a test, went straight home, and saw clear as could be "pregnant".
|Nate's wrapped "gift"|
Then we plotted ways to share with people. First our parents and my brother and Jamie. Then with friends.
My doctor says I found out early. Right at 3 weeks. Which I don't know if I agree with her date calculations. I just know when I'm pregnant. I found out early with both boys. I was only sick with one of them, but i've been sick sick sick with this baby. Nauseous to the extreme. Exhausted. Emotional. The symptoms of pregnancy started to manifest themselves early and with full force. We knew we needed to tell people before they guessed, because I was (and still continue) feeling badly.
It's all so wonderful. We are overjoyed, completely grateful for this child.....I'm just so thankful.
We aren't going to find out what the baby is. We have all the "baby" equipment that we need. Swing, crib, pack n play, car seat, stroller, etc. We have nothing pink, of course, and if it is a boy we'll need some clothes because the seasons will be reversed. But I know we have everything we need to take care of a newborn. We are just going to pray over names and paint the nursery (I will do a post on that later with some design board ideas---some of you have seen my Pinterest boards) and just pray for a healthy, happy baby. A great pregnancy free of worry and stress and a healthy delivery for me and the little bird.
|Roses from my mom|
|baby TOMS (neutral grey-Wes picked)|
Nate and I want to implement date night with the boys. One on one time with each other. He takes one, I take one and we spend quality time with them one on one. I never want them to feel neglected or swept aside during seasons of immense change. They are so special and so unique and so necessary to the dynamic of our family. God knows what we need, so we just praise God for how far he has brought us and for what adventures lay ahead for us. This little baby is so loved already.
|This kid was made to be a big brother. The Throne Warden.|
|Look at the face of this adorable big brother-to-be. The High King.|
|My husband. I love him. (And those banana muffins)|
I am feeling so undeservedly blessed. .....jade