It's funny to see our own personalities in our children. Wesley is sensitive, like me. Oh, he's sensitive like Nate, but he's sensitive like me. He's intuitive. He's aware. He worries. He becomes so concerned about something that he makes himself sick over it. He has his momma's heart. Spencer is carefree and spontaneous and shoulder's no weight of other's burdens, unless someone is visibly upset, then he will try to comfort in his own non-verbal way. But it's a mere pat on the shoulder or back, a quick hug, then as if to remind us to do the same; he is off and running, chasing the butterflies and swinging high and fast.
When I discovered that the little wee one in my womb was boy number three, my thoughts flew straight to two women in my life that I have love and respected from afar. One being a Navy wife who is raising four beautiful sons, and the other a seminary wife raising three sons who just announced this morning that they are expecting little Frue number FOUR in the Spring! When my friend Julie shared that they were having boy number four last year, she mentioned how she could envision her sons as grown men, conversing with eachother, praying together, and encouraging eachother. That was such a beautiful picture in my head. And Tracy has three boys who are beautiful and her parenting methods have always encouraged me. Her and her husband are adventurers as well and take their boys where the Lord directs them. Both women have moved me and engaged my tired heart in conversations from afar and I'm grateful for their example. I'm grateful for their honesty. It's been no secret that I desire a daughter SOMEDAY. I don't ever want to be misunderstood: raising sons is my deep joy. I would never be ungrateful for the gifting of my sons, especially this one in the womb whom I am most anxious to see and hold and cuddle in four months. Our boys. I love living life and adventuring with them and seeing their father and me in them. It's such a beautiful, miraculous gift in a world where so many just ache for a child at all! My heart explodes with so much peace and joy at raising sons. Wesley wants a baby sister so badly, we talk about it often. I try to encourage him and communicate with him that right now God sees him as such a special big brother, that he gets to lead TWO other little guys right now. And maybe someday a sister will enter our doors. I want to give him a sister (I mentioned a few posts back that we have the name Lucy on our heart), but for the moment, I have three little boys to nurture and love and grow. AND I am grateful.
All of this mix-matched, unedited sharing comes from this place of peace in my heart. Where Nathan and I are at, where we are headed, the work that we do daily in raising children and loving each other, it's all hard and exhausting and beautiful and fun and scary and wonderfully wonderful.
I think about AP's song "Planting Trees" from his Counting Stars album. He wrote it for his wife, Jamie (another fantastic human being that I've had the pleasure of sitting and chatting with) and I think about the lyrics often, when I feel tired or discouraged.
She rises up as morning breaks
She moves among these rooms alone
Before we wake
And her heart is so full; it overflows
She waters us with love and the children grow
So many years from now
Long after we are gone
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless the dawn
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless someone
|A doodle, before I wrote this blog|
Motherhood isn't an easy journey. There is deep, exhausting heart-ache. Not just from tragedy or physical pain, but from the witnessing of something so pure and beautiful as a newborn baby grow into a human being who will wrestle with the darkness and the light and eventually make their choices. What I can do is cultivate and water the beautiful humans that the Lord has entrusted to me.
Tracy shared several verses on her blog that have been resonating with me lately (oh how I miss you, Tracy Fru!)
“Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table…” Psalm 128:1-4
“Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants…”
“Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.”
What’s most encouraging to me in the days that I just want to go back to bed:
“Do not become weary in doing good for at the proper time you will reap a harvest of blessing if you do not give up.”
And I'm reminded that we aren't really the growers here, but God who began a good work in us and who will see it to completion (Philippians 1:6). "So neither he who plants or he who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow." 1 Corinthians 3:7
"I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. . .If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing."
Anyways, this is where I am at this morning, grateful for the place I'm at, praying over what's to come, and thankful for the wisdom of the saints, near and far.